Starting conversations with strangers

Friday, February 29.  Hey all, happy leap year day.  Or whatever.  Today was truly great.  I'm starting to feel quite good now, and it's been a very long personal journey to get there.  But I'm not complaining at all.  Today was mostly filled with the stuff we do everyday.  I worked out.  I ran some errands, like going to the grocery store and the bank.  Also had a great session with crazy wonderful Dr. Bob.  He has really helped me look at things from a perspective that has made all the difference in the world.

Today I also delivered meals again.  It was snowy and messy out this morning, but not that cold.  Luckily my route was in a retirement home so I didn't have to drive to each and every person like with some routes.  I thought today would be a good day to try to start conversations with people I didn't really know.  So with each meal I delivered, I would ask if there was anything else I could do for them, and if they responded or seemed like they needed company, I would stay for a few minutes and talk.

Only two of my twelve people seemed interested.  The first was a Russian woman and her adult daughter.  She was cooking something when I arrived (funny, that must mean the food I bring must suck!).  It smelled great, so I asked her what she was making and she tried to explain to me what it was and how she made it.  I didn't totally get it but I know it starts with boiling or heating milk and using a cheesecloth to take the top part (or bottom, I don't really know), combining that with some kind of cheese and then pan frying them it little patties.  She didn't offer me any but I guess they weren't finished yet.  Looked and smelled great though.   We talked a little about Moscow and St. Petersburg because I had visited with mom and dad a year and a half ago.  With that, I left.

I didn't get anyone else to engage me until my second to last person, a man named Tom.  What a great name!  I saw he had a keyboard and asked if he played.  He said yes and he also really was a composer.  Cool.  I have been thinking about buying a small electronic keyboard anyway so he gave me the history of electronic keyboards (pretty interesting, actually and Stevie Wonder was involved), suggested what I might buy to start out, and also played me one of his compositions.  It was beautiful.  Composers of classical music blow me away.  To be able to put together all these random sounds together so seamlessly.  Cool.  I also suggested that he buy or download some Coldplay, as they use quite a bit of piano in their music and it's what I think makes their sound so unique and haunting and awesome.  I also ended up taking his garbage out for him because he is tethered to an oxygen tank unfortunately.  Said goodbye and look forward to talking to him again.

Pretty interesting what you find when you bother to ask.  You never get what you expect!

See you all tomorrow.  Peace and happiness for you all.  Thanks for reading!

Listenting and thanking

Thursday, February 28.  Hi all.  Busy day, almost didn't have enough time to do something new!  That's a good thing though.  Doing well, just continuing in the direction I've been heading in, and I think it's the right one.

Taught a lot for a Thursday in February but managed to do some productive work in the morning and even managed some yoga!  10 sun salutations are better than nothing.  Really energizes me.  I hope that I can work back to my two hour full ashtanga workout someday, but I guess not yet.  It will find me when it finds me.

Today's new thing is very personal, and instead of getting into too many details, let's just say that I listened, really listened, to someone dear to me today.  Without interruption, I listened.  I also thanked that person for allowing me to be an audience for what had to be said.  As unbelievable as it may sound, I don't think I've ever done that, at least for any extended period of time.  No judgment.  No resistance.  Just listening and thanking.

I'm off for now everyone.  I hope you all have a good night (or day for some of you), and maybe you could find a minute to say a prayer or give a good thought for two of my friends that are having their own challenges right now.  I will be as I go to bed, so if you could spare a moment in your own way, I would appreciate it!

Hasta manana, amigos.

Plum Market but no plums

Wednesday, February 27.  Hi all.  Not much exciting or sexy today.  Therapy in the morning, in which I learned that I seem to be doing quite well.  Just kidding, I know I'm doing much better all on my own.  Worked out and went tanning again.  I know it isn't great for my skin, but the warmth and energy feels great!

Still working on the hat company idea.  Trying to work out a business plan and brand strategy.  It's coming and will be awesome.  Very exciting.  Also trying to work on the real estate.  Patience is the word there, but something will emerge as long as I keep looking.  Just one good deal will get things started.

My new thing today was going to the new Plum Market that recently opened.  Fantastic!  A less snobby Whole Foods with the comfort of the Busch's shopping experience and the selection of Papa Joe's (in Birmingham, my favorite market of all time).  I picked up some basic things, and a dozen roses for myself.  I like having flowers around.  It's a good vibe.  Interestingly, I ran into Emily and her four little ones in the parking lot.  Emily is Paula's niece.  We've spent some time together and some holiday dinners at the same table.  I know she felt awkward at first but I was pleasant enough and it was really nice to see all of them.  What beautiful kids.  Too bad they never had a chance to get together with Kirin and Coco.  Would've been fun!  Anyway, hadn't seen her since all went down and it was nice.

Will report in again tomorrow, as usual.  Going to try to get to bed earlier tonight.  Sleep well, all.  Love to you all.

My buddy is a snow angel

Tuesday, February 26.  As some of you know, I have been watching my dog, Shadow, while my ex-wife has been in Thailand.  He's been with me for probably two and a half months now.  Today, I returned him to Patty.  It's my first night without him.  I have become used to looking for him.  And as frustrated as I became some nights when he would wake me at 3 in the morning because he had to go out, I'm gonna miss him.  A lot.

Many of you all received calls and texts from me at some pretty low points during the last month or so, and as much as life allowed you grabbed my hand and pulled me back up.  All of your styles were slightly different.  Some of you personified tough love and others just let me cry if I needed to cry.  And yet others were somewhere in between.  I've often thanked you all for the support, and I'll thank you again here tonight.

But as I dropped Shadow off today, I realized that he was here for every single tear, every single dark and lonely night, every hopeless (so I thought at times) moment.  And all he did was be with me.  And listen (dogs are very good listeners!).  And be my friend.  And love me.  Every moment.  And that, I think, is love.

So today's new thing was to make a snow angel in my yard.  For Shadow, my love, my friend, my buddy, who never had anything more important to do than be with me when I needed it.  Shadow (and all the animals I've come to share my life with at one time or another), I love you.  Thank you.

Good night all, I wish you peace and happiness.  Until tomorrow.  I'm excited!

Ready for battle and poetry

Monday, February 25.  Hi all.  Again, I feel like I'm talking to myself although I know there are readers out there.  Today was a great day!  More and more like it as time goes on.  This too shall pass.  Did some real estate and school follow up today.  I'm also seriously looking to take a drawing class.  Made two more drawings.  The drawings don't elicit the same emotions as writing does, but it is still helpful and a good challenge.

I think that the less severe reactions to writing and drawing are because acceptance is settling in and resistance is easing.  That is good, no?

Today I did two new things.  First, I submitted one of my poems to a poetry contest.  The winner gets $1000!  Probably a whole bunch of junk email too!  Anyway, I really liked one of the poems I wrote so said what the hell and submitted it.  We'll see.

The second thing I did was wear camouflage underwear.  Not sure why I bought them in the first place but I thought wearing them would put me in a fiery mood.  And it did.  I felt a lot of energy today, a lot of positive thoughts about the future and what I plan to do.  Things are better, in fact they're great, and will get better!  I am going to do big things.  I know it and I feel it.  No pics today, after all it would be weird if I took a picture of myself in my underwear!

Thanks and I'll see you all tomorrow!

Trying something really uncomfortable

Sunday, February 24.  Today was another good day.  I had a lot of energy at work and connected with people well.  Met a couple of new students and that's always nice.  Also did a strength/flexibility test for golf that showed my strengths and weaknesses.  I now have a program to improve on those areas that could make my golf better.  Again walked the dog and went for a run.  There is a dullness sometimes to a daily routine but also a peace to it.  I am more present with all of the things I'm doing, new and old.

Today's new thing really started last night and continued today.  I made some charcoal drawings.  Not just any.  At the suggestion of therapist Bob, I drew pictures of images and scenes that are currently creating the most anxiety and negativity in me.  The idea is that as I draw, and continue to draw similar images, the ideas lose their negative charge, thereby allowing me to accept.  To often, we shy away from those things in our head that scare us or make us upset.  As with the poetry, I am diving headfirst into it.

By far, drawing has been my biggest challenge.  Not only is the content very personal and panic producing, the process has taught me a little about myself.  Not only was I afraid to draw what was on my mind, I was afraid that I wouldn't be "good" at it.  So I discovered how judgmental I am of myself, which of course means I'm judgmental of others.

A very revealing process.  And it ended up being kind of fun.  I may take a drawing class.  Because although I don't care how good I am, I'd like to learn anyway!

So there are three drawings.  Without getting into too much detail, one shows the fear of being forgotten, one shows the emptiness of not being chosen or being good enough, and the last shows the sadness of being abandoned.

Enough said.  I'll see you guys tomorrow.  Love.

Drawing the sun's energy

Saturday, February 23.  Today was good.  Taught more lessons.  It's getting busier.  Saw some old students and caught up a little.  Took a nap and had a frightful but maybe telling dream.  Went to run at the gym.  I ran for a full half and hour today, and at a greater speed.  I'll get to where I need to be by March 30 in Chicago.  A good busy day.  Only moments of unease.

My new thing for the day was to go tanning.  I know it's not great for my skin but I think I have seasonal depression.  Living in Michigan, winters are long, cold, and grey, and that doesn't help my mood so I thought some tanning might improve my mood.  It was interesting.  Only 5 minutes, but it was warm and bright and felt good.  I think I will continue.  And I like the way I look when I'm a little tan.  A little healthier looking and feeling.

So far, I've managed to keep to my task.  Something new everyday.  Tonight and tomorrow I take on a bigger task, charcoal drawing.  Several things come into play with this task.  One, getting over the insecurity of knowing that I'm not a "good" artist.  Judgment.  Who cares, right?  So if I can get over trying to be "good," I might reap other benefits with other things.  No fears, baby!

The second thing is my subject matter.  Bob wants me to draw pictures of images and ideas that create the most anxiety and fear in me.  I am apprehensive.  But I can see the bigger picture, and if I can draw the images, and continue to draw them, I figure they'll lose their negative emotional charge, and it will help me move forward with my mind.

This one is going to take some courage in many regards.  I am up to it though!  I will post (maybe) my drawings in tomorrow's entry.  Here goes nothing!

Thanks and I love you all and your support, once again.

A piggy and charity

Saturday, February 23.  Sorry about the exhaustion yesterday.  Maybe that's a good thing.  Anyway, I can't remember all the details about yesterday, other than I had a good meeting with Mike and David, real estate guys, and a great session with Bob about my current struggles.  I learned a lot in my lunch meeting, and may have a real opportunity coming up.  Due diligence needed, but I am cautiously optimistic.

My session with Bob was effective.  I read him my poem too, and cried again.  He encouraged me to continue writing.  He said something interesting.  He said that perhaps the weeping that happens when I read what I write is my spirit, my true being, giving gratitude for being honest to what's in my heart.  A very different perspective I've never thought about.  He went on to suggest that I draw pictures of those things that frighten me, that create anxiety.  Again, facing exactly what scares me.  So later I went to Meijer's to buy some newsprint and charcoal.  We'll see what I do with that.  It excited me and scares me.

My new thing today is to make use of my new red piggy bank.  All loose change and money I can spare will go into the piggy, and at the end of the year I will donate the money to charity.  I know it won't be much, but the idea made me feel good.  I already have a start, and if any of you want to send me checks for the same reason, please do.  It is tax deductible, you know.   And good for the heart!

I'm going to end today and immediately start today's entry, so so long for now.  Later alligators!

A break for today

Friday, February 22.  Today was actually a great day, but I am very tired and am going to bed.  Tomorrow I will make up for it and recount what happened today and tomorrow as well.  All good news and a couple of new things too!  Great things are happening!

Love to all, goodnight for now.

Making the call

Thursday, February 21.  I decided to see if the phone number I got from our waitress was real or not today.  There was a moment of trepidation as I dialed the number as I was of course afraid that it was not hers.  And it wasn't.  I'm not crushed because I figured it might be.  But of course was hopeful that it was real.  Anyway, I thank Jen for playing along because I think the victory was in asking and not in getting anywhere with it necessarily.  I am hardly ready to date.  It would have been nice to have someone new to hang out with though.

So I've called a random woman, which is definitely something I've not done before, and I've managed to see the benefit of it.  The value in the process, not the result.  I'm proud of myself.

Otherwise the day was actually quite good.  I taught four lessons, and Mike has set up a lunch meeting with a local real estate guy for tomorrow.  The networking and education begin.  I have also started the process of applying for MBA programs.  In addition to the real estate class I'll start in March, I'm doing all the things I'm supposed to be doing to enrich and improve myself.  And of course, it's all supposed to help me heal my hurt.

The rest of my evening was spent relaxing and hanging out watching tv.  This morning I met Aubrey and gave her her birthday gift (and her brothers').  It was great to see her and I hope to continue to nurture that relationship.  I love her dearly.  And it is something that I don't believe is me hanging on in anyway.  I'm proud of that too!

Lastly, I am really going to take my hat company idea as far as I can.  I will work on a market niche (golf first then other applications), develop some styles and looks, find a manufacturer, work on branding and marketing, then make it the flyest hat company in the world!  Fedoras, caps, baseball hats, floppy hats and more!  I will make it!

Great things for me and all of us guys.  I'm fighting and fighting and you will see great things in me.  You will be proud!

So in addition to another fedora, black and tighter, there's a picture of M&Ms.  I like M&Ms.  Peanut of course.  KitKats too.

Bearing my soul to another (and also to myself)

Wednesday, February 20.  It feels like winter again in Michigan.  Makes sense since it is winter, and I am in Michigan.  Today felt relatively busy.  Woke up and did some busy work on the computer, then rushed off to a session with Judy.  Afterwards, I went to Twelve Oaks Mall to buy Aubrey a birthday present (and managed to buy myself some neckties too!), then came home and hung out with Ryan and watched some tv.  Driving without the radio or being on the phone can be an interesting experience.  Try it sometime.

Today's new thing was reading a poem for someone.  The poetry is itself something new to me.  Seemed too silly or girly.  Reading it aloud to an audience is another experience altogether.  It takes bravery.  I told Judy of the poem and said that I'd like to read it to her.  Of course she was interested and off I went.  I won't get into the details of the piece because it's really not necessary and very personal.  But read it I did.

Please to try to write.  Whether it's a poem or just a journal or anything.  The effect is incredibly cathartic.  My first attempts at poems and journaling were just romantic, broken-hearted drivel.  This one, however, had a depth that I had never achieved before.

Anyway, I started to cry just two words into it.  I had to gather myself many times throughout the reading as the tears just kept coming.  It was like the words uttered were purging the hurt.  Some of it at least.  I was definitely feeling what I was feeling.  And what I liked most about hearing myself read was that it felt like me being as honest and as gentle with myself that I have ever been.

I understand just a little better where I am.  The poem described me as I am, right now.  And it made me feel like all's ok, for now.  And yes, I still hurt, I am still confused, I am still floored by it all.  And although all who love me tell me it's time to not be those things (mostly because they don't want to see me hurt so much), today I told myself that all those things are ok because they are.  There is also hope and greatness ahead for me too!

Today, at least for about 3 minutes, I was totally where I was and totally accepting of where I was.  If being in the present, which is the goal, is anything else, I must not understand it then.  So in addition to reading a poem for someone, maybe I was truly present for the first time too!

Love you all.  Hour by hour, day by day.  I will be fine.  I am fine.  Great things are going to happen to me.  They already are.

German and a phone number?

Tuesday, February 19. Hello everyone! Today was pretty uneventful. Went to the airport to pick up Patty from Thailand, hung out at home for a while, then taught some golf. Last night, Dr. Slattery called me and said that it would be ok for me to go back for more therapy about stuff we talked on Friday. Today I called him back because I think it would be good.

As I've talked to all my family and friends less (aren't you relieved?), I think that having a forum for talking about all my struggles would still be good. He touched something in me that I don't quite understand yet, but felt like it was freeing and moving in the right direction.

Today, two new things happened (or to make it more active, I did two new things).  First, I learned to count to 10 in German. Spelling might not be accurate, but here goes:

1 eins 2 zvei 3 drei 4 veir 5 funf (i know, no umlaut) 6 sech 7 siven 8 auct 9 nun 10 zen.

So now I know some Portuguese and some German!

The second thing I did later while having dinner with Tom (another instructor at the Academy) at Appleby's.  We talked a little about work and our individual life challenges.  I told him about my latest drama and the blog, and inspiration hit me so I decided to ask our waitress, Jen, for her phone number.  Just like when I told the woman at Meijer's she was beautiful, it made me  nervous as I called her over.  I noticed, though, that I was a little calmer even though I was doing something a little more daring.  I could, after all, be rejected this time.  So anyway I asked her for her number (and said that she could give me a fake one if she wanted to), and she said ok!  Wow!  Made me feel really good!

Now I know it still could be a fake number and I don't know if I'm going to call or not, but the victory was in asking.  At this point getting over this fear (and others) is making me feel stronger, and I actually think I could handle if it was fake!  So again, something good is happening inside me I think.

And heck, who knows, it might lead to a date or at least a new friend, right?  If Paula's going to pursue this, why not me too?

I feel good guys.  If I continue to do things that challenge me and scare me, there's nothing that I won't be able to handle.  Talk soon and love you all.

Lending a helping hand and fedoras

Monday, February 18.  Today was a day with ebbs and flows.  I felt a lot of positive energy and had a lot of good thoughts at times, and had moments that were full of anxiety too.  A theme seems to be emerging, huh?  Things change and are always in a state of change.  Taking me a long time to learn something pretty obvious it seems.

In the morning I delivered meals to some folks again.  I probably do it every one or two weeks.  Today's route went pretty smoothly until I neared the end of of the route, when a woman asked for some help.  She had a severe tremor and asked me to help fill out some forms for her.  I did, and we sat and talked for a bit before I left.  She mentioned how nice she thought I was and how beautiful my smile was.  It made my day.  So today my first was to help a stranger with an everyday task that she couldn't manage by herself.

It was also reassuring because I still am quite aware of how much I hurt inside.  How everyday is a struggle to keep on keeping on with the heartbreak.  But if someone can see some of the positive that I try to nurture everyday, I must be doing something right.  She thanked me again and said that she hoped that I would do her route again and we could talk again.  I said that would be nice.  I would be more than happy to fill in more forms for her if she needs it!

On a side note, I've continued to get more compliments on the fedora I'm wearing, and I am going to explore the idea of starting a company.  Fedoras, baseball caps, English style caps, and big floppy fishing or gardening hats.  They all have a market with the business I know, golf, but they also have a cross appeal for the young and hip crowd and the more buttoned down adult crowd.  I think I may have something here!  I'll have to work on a business plan that defines a theme a little more specifically, and try to get some out to those in the spotlight, like professional golfers or musicians.  Hmm.  Seems like the first creative idea I've had in a while.  Must be something good happening!  JOY!  ARE YOU STILL READING?  THIS SEEMS LIKE A NATURAL PLACE WHERE YOU CAN HELP.  BUSINESS PARTNERS?

Observation for the day:  Letting go is challenging because it involves real, true love.  Of yourself and of others.  We hang on for either selfish reasons or for self-hating reasons.  Not good if you really look at it.

Again, love to you all.  Hour by hour, day by day everyone.

P.S. The photo today is one of all of my ideas for things to do.  They are on post it notes on my wall next to my desk.  I'll cross each I do off as I do them.  It kinda makes me feel like I painted my wall!

A new look.

Sunday, February 17.  I wore the fedora I bought last night at Target to teach golf today.  I received many compliments and felt pretty good about it.  It may be a time for more change.  Perhaps I will wear fedoras, button up shirts, and neckties to teach from now on.  What do you think?  Change comes from many different areas, no?  I think I look pretty sweet.

Technology.

Sunday, February 17.  Today I did two new things.  First,  I installed my first external hard drive.  Figured that it might make my computer run faster.  Especially when I have Iphoto running, or multiple apps running, my laptop drives me nuts it goes so slow.  The think about it is I still have some computer incompetence and insecurity.  Still not sure I did it right but we'll see.  That's what calling Chad is for!

The second think was to mount my new dustbuster charger onto the wall.  Pretty easy stuff, but felt relatively handy doing it.  Now I am ready to bust the dust.

Other than that, a pretty calm day.  The peace inside has managed to stay.  I don't know why.  Maybe an epiphany at therapy with the psychiatrist today.  I think, but don't know how or what, that I really said something that released me to some sort of freedom.  I'm going to try to figure out what it was.   I guess it'd be ok if I didn't either.  As a friend said, I don't care what you do or don't do, you look better and that's all I care about!

I think it's just less resistance.

Last night I decided to put all my yet to be done ideas for new things on post it notes and post them all over my wall.  It kind of looks cool.  I think I'll cross each one I do with a red "X" as I get through them.  I think it's time for more things that scare me and challenge me.  Maybe tomorrow will be the day to start on the things that truly help me to continue to grow.

Again thanks to all, and I hope you keep following along.  And if  you think I don't read your responses, be sure that I do and appreciate everyone.  If I don't reply, I just think that your response says all there needs to be said.

Buenas noches, amigos.

Target (that's Tarjay) and inspiration

Saturday, February 16.  Two days removed from the ever dramatic Valentine's Day, I have continued to move in the direction of calm and peace.  I worked as usual on a Saturday, but had the pleasure to have Mom, Dad, Julie, Chad, Kirin and Coco come see me.  I had some fun with them, my dad and mom got some new clubs (what's new).  It was very nice to see them.  I love them and they feel the same about me.  That's a blessing.

So I went home to chill out and walk the dog, then decided some exercise would be good, so I went to the gym and ran for 25 minutes at about 5.6 miles per hour.  I'm getting there.  I'd like to be able to run somewhere between 6 and 7 miles an hour so I can finish the race somewhere under 50 minutes.  That would be good.

Being the crazy partying fool I am at 37, I decided to go nuts at Target (yes, it's pronounced Tarjay).  I decided that my new thing was to walk and look at every single aisle.  Yes, everyone.  You see some interesting things (and by the way, the really good deals are at the end of the aisle where you can get some great buys!).  

My shopping cart at the end of the spree is testament to the wonderment that is Target, but also to some fun returning to me.  I picked up: a cork board (for another vision board-I have many dreams, you know), some push pins (for my dreams), a pair of camoflouge underwear (for no real reason other than I want a tight short sleeved camo t shirt and can't find one), a dustbuster (because there's always dust to bust), a french press (for real coffee flavor), a mouse pad with pictures of cats (the irony drips, no?), an external hard drive for my powerbook (we can never have enough memory, can we?), a sweet fedora (that I'm going to wear to teach golf so that I'm stylin'!  maybe with a shirt and tie too), some half and half (for my aromatic coffee), and a red piggy bank (because we all must save for a rainy day).

All the things except the board, the pins, the stickies and half and half are new experiences for me, and I plan to enjoy them thoroughly!

Also, a new plan (inspired by Julie).  I am going to attempt to amp up this blog and what I do.  I then hope to get someone to notice and get sponsors, then be a guest on the Ellen talk show!  What do you guys think?  I need your encouragement and help though.  Ideas especially.  This could even turn into a book if things go the way I see!

Love to you all (especially family and friends and even to my sweet Paula!).  Talk soon!  It's funny how everything changes, even attitudes...

Smudging, Netflix, and emails

Friday, February 15.  Today was a good day.  Went to see a psychiatrist today (my therapist is not an MD).  He had some interesting insight that I might share later in more detail, but suffice it to say that, like what I've been doing for a couple of days, he thinks that if I don't run away from what I'm feeling and really lean into the pain, something remarkable will happen for me.  I've spent too long running away from the pain.  And there's a lot of it.  I'm not scared.

Today I managed to do three new things, even though I cried all day.  First, I subscribed to Netflix, so I could get Blu-ray DVDs to watch for cheap.  For $17 a month, I can get as many movies as I want!  It'll be perfect for my new HDTV and Blu-ray disc player.  Excellent.  The first movies I'm gonna get are "No Reservations," "300," and "The Guardian."  Awesome dude.

The next thing I did was actually try to contact some women on match.com.  I was really thinking about canceling my membership, but what the hell.  I won't obsess over Paula's profile and find some interesting people along the way.  So I've gone from posting a profile, to winks, and now to emails.  I AM a player!

The last thing I did was an old pagan tradition called smudging.  It is a ceremony in which dried sage (and in my case cedar and lavender too) is bundled and lit, then the smoke is "smudged" throughout a home to release negative energy.  I thought it was appropriate and matched the transformation I'm experiencing.  It felt kind of nice and ceremonial.

I will experience more ups and downs I know, and to be quite honest, I am still very in love with Paula, and that's ok, cause I couldn't stop myself right now, even if I wanted to.  The universe has a way of doing just what it needs to do for all of us, when we need it!  Acceptance, non-resistance first.  Letting go is a natural product of that.  Love you all and later.

Watching Caddyshack with Kelly and being good to myself

Thursday, February 15.  Less gloom and doom today.  Some morning drama, but I handled it well, was gentle with myself and got through it!  Today's new thing is hanging out with a friend's girlfriend.

The friend is Scott, and his significant other is Kelly.  I haven't known Kelly for very long, but today she called me and asked if I wanted to watch a movie tonight.  Then called me back to see if I wanted to run errands with her!  Gifts from heaven.  The nights pass better when there's someone to spend it with!  Ryan left for Philly today and will be gone til Monday.  So I was a little wary of these next few nights.

So I drove her around in the afternoon.  It didn't really matter where we went.  The positive energy of another person close by is quite remarkable.  We went to Best Buy (for a discman, and maybe I'll buy an electric keyboard and learn piano!), Borders (the concept store), then Trader Joe's.  No edamame.  They no longer stock products from China, so they're waiting for new products from Thailand.

We watched Caddyshack later and had some laughs.  I kept the storytelling to a minimum but she, as everyone has, had some nice insight that helped.

I'll get there.  This is temporary.  This is small.  I will emerge a stronger person and great things are coming!  The help from family, friends, and now even acquaintances who have become friends is amazing.  Just love.  It's time for me to do my part and make it a joy for them to talk to me, not a horror.  One day at a time.  I'll get there.

Being where I am

Wednesday, February 13.  Today's thing I've never done is to feel true, profound grief.  It is calm, I am not frantic, like I have been.  I feel somewhat at peace actually.  But such deep grief.  I am sad, and feeling all of it right now.  Wow.  I've DEFINITELY never done this before.

Receiving the gifts life sends my way

Tuesday, February 12.  Hello all.  Although I know I have readers, some loyal daily readers, sometimes I still feel like I'm talking to myself.  And although this format is one designed to share, I suppose it's just a journal in a sense.

I believe that if your intent is there, life and the universe will provide anything and everything you need.  Sometimes, like now for me, it's just that we don't look carefully enough to see what life offers.  Today, I decided to look.

What I found is that 10 years of teaching have given me many opportunities to improve myself and pursue my dreams, outside of golf even.  Today it gave me Mike.  I first started teaching Mike's son Brennan about a year ago and Mike about six months ago.  Mike is the owner of his own commercial real estate development company and very successful.  Because one of the interests I have developed in the last year has been real estate, I decided to see if he could help me in any way.

We met and in addition to offering much useful advice, he offered me a chance to work on his next project.  A learning opportunity.  He also said he would be open to being a business partner.  In a week full (and maybe a lifetime full) of feeling closed off to the world, finally a chance to engage in the world.  Life will help if I am open to it.

And maybe most importantly, a choice by me is what really created the expansion, as choices by me recently have created contraction.  So what is today's new thing?  I guess I'd describe it as asking life for help.  Or being open to positivity and opportunity.  I'm not sure that it's something I've never done, but it feels new enough for me to have it count.

On a side note about me and how I'm doing, I think it's time for me to acknowledge that there is unhappiness, sadness, and fear in me.  In an effort to be positive about life, I think I've too often neglected to feel what I really feel at any given moment.  Acceptance of life and what happens starts with acceptance of who I am and how I feel at every given moment first.  Not the other way around.  Right now, much grief exists in me.  

I know it lacks perspective and is dramatic, I also know that it is only temporary and life and the universe has great things in store for me.  I know it, no matter how much negativity there is at the present.

Winks and stepping outside of my head

Monday, February 11.  Hey all, how is everyone?  Another interesting day today (they're all pretty interesting if we bother to notice, aren't they?).  It started out a little shaky and emotional, and progressed to some peace as the day wore on.  I managed to get myself out for a run at the gym and also went to Borders to buy a book my dear friend Rick recommended.  I later managed to spend a good part of the day by myself with relatively little panic!

My first deed for the day extended yesterday's, and I sent some "winks" out to some women on Match.com.  "Winks" are a way of letting someone know that you are interested in communicating some more with someone.  If they wink back, perhaps a conversation can start.  Well, I could actually start a conversation anyway, but that's about all I could handle today.  :) 

While it might sound like no big deal to some of you, it was a little scary because there was a natural fear of rejection, or even worse, indifference.  I'd say that, well I just don't give a shit and who cares, but there is the insecure boy in me that wants approval and to be liked.  Well, I guess I cared little enough to go ahead and do it!  We'll see what happens, and even though I'm not quite ready for a relationship necessarily, it seems like an important part of the process that I'm experiencing.

The second thing I did today was to decide to observe my thoughts and emotions as much as I possibly could.  I tried to watch myself from outside of my head, so to speak.  What I found is that there is a consciousness, a presence, that exists calmly and peacefully separate from the thoughts and emotions, and they ended up creating less panic.  Or at least shorter and less intense waves.  Never really done that before and we'll see what happens with it.

In addition to breathing, being present, and getting on with tasks small and big, I feel like getting out of my head is something that might be an effective tool for me in my current situation.  Tata for now.  It's nice to feel some silence and be comfortable with it!

I'm a player, jumping off of cliffs

Sunday, February 10.  Hello all.  Feeling more stable today, but there are ups and downs and I thank all of you who I've reached out to.  It's been amazing to feel the support.  Today's new item happened today at Meijer's, where Ryan and I went this afternoon to pick up some groceries.  I had just reached a pretty low point where all of a sudden I felt the need for some dignity, and a surge of positive energy flowed through me for a moment.  I knew that this adrenaline rush would fade, but I decided to use it to achieve my task for the day.

As Ryan and I were turning our cart into the next aisle to look for an ingredient for the lasagna he was going to make for dinner, we just about bumped into a young woman.  I noticed that she was cute and had a nice smile, but thought nothing more of it as we walked down to the end of the aisle.  Hmm, I thought, looking back and smiling for maybe the first time all weekend.

I turned left as Ryan turned right and I told him I'd meet him at deodorants in a minute.  I walked into the next aisle and circled back and walked up to the young woman and tapped her shoulder, said "Excuse me, I just wanted you to know that I think that you're lovely.  Have a great day.  Bye."  Made me feel a slight bit awkward but gave me a small rush and I knew I didn't do it in a creepy way.  I hope I made her smile and gave her a story to tell later!

Anyway, maybe it was a good day for something a little more out of my comfort zone, and something that wasn't too depressing or tear jerking.  Maybe the next time I'll just ask her for her phone number or invite her for a cup of coffee.  Then I'd be a player!

Pictures are worth a thousand words

Saturday, February 9.  Today was a challenge.  A big one.  Didn't sleep much at all last night, and had a difficult day after that.  Lots of calls to those who love me at all hours.  Coming to terms with reality can be that way, I'm learning.  And denial of reality can make for a big cliff from which to fall. 

My new thing for the day starts with my great friend Dolly.  Dolly and I have known each other since birth, and we stay in touch in spurts.  She was one of the calls last night.  She was busy, and promised to call me back this afternoon, which she did with promptness.  After empathizing with me and giving me her always positive spin on things, she gave me the idea for the day.  Because she had gone through an eerily similar circumstance before, she said one of the best things she did was to take all the pictures down.

So they all came down.  Ryan had to help me.  From the coffee table, from my dresser, from my nightstand, from my cork vision board.  Nothing dramatic.  No burning, no tearing, no garbage can.  Just put away on a chair in the guest bedroom, out of sight.  For now.  Or for good.  That hurts to think about!

There was a picture of Paula and Aubrey as a child.  A picture of the kids.  A picture of us and the kids at graduation.  A picture of us, AJ and Aubrey at the birthday party they threw for me at the bowling alley.  Several pictures of photo shoot shots.  What a beautiful woman!  A picture of Paula kissing me on the forehead.  A picture of us looking into each other's eyes.  Happy pictures!

My heart broke a little more with each picture put away.  Was I putting away happiness?  Fear.  Fear of being forgotten.  Fear of trusting that life will bring me great things.  Fear of letting go.  Fear of acceptance.  Fear of the idea of "if you love something, let it go."

But after the guest room door closed behind me, I actually felt a little bit of strength.  A little self-worth.  For the first time all day, and maybe for a long time, I did something that was good for me, despite the pain of it all.  And it was something I'd never done before!

Funny life.  I think what I need to do are all the things that I really don't want to do.  Funny.

Thanks, I love you all very much.

An emergency session

Friday, February 8th.  My thing for the day is pretty weak today, but it's all I can manage.  I called my therapist for an emergency session today because I'm not handling things very well right now.  Without getting into too many details of the drama, I think some changes have to happen.

There's a certain amount of denial that I'm experiencing right now.  I really don't want to accept as a possibility that Paula and I won't be together again.  I see it, but don't want to accept it even though it's probably pretty likely right now.  My mind is crazy and won't be still.  And I would like it to be still.  Or at least stiller than it is.

I think I must cut back on or eliminate my communication with her for now.  And maybe for good.  It is tormenting me.  And I'm not being too good to myself in my head.

As much as I'd like this to be fun, it's not today.  I guess this is what we'll get from hearing about me everyday.  Real life is not all fun and happiness, and if I'm going to write everyday, there will be some like this.  And as much as the funny stuff gives this blog life, these entries I suppose also gives the blog life too, right?

I hurt a lot right now.  It won't be forever.  But right now I really hurt.

Matching up

Thursday, February 7.  Hey all!  Today was a good day.  Joined a club, Gold's Gym near home.  Gold's has changed quite a bit!  No hardcore pumping iron feel anymore.  There's still the big dudes trying to get bigger, but like some of the newer clubs there's now classes, a juice bar, saunas and lockers.  Cool.  I ran for about 20 minutes today in my training for my race in Chicago in March.  It's amazing how much your endurance goes when you don't keep up!  Anyway, I should be ready for the race and I plan to run everyday.  I hope to finish in a respectable time.

My new thing for the day was creating a profile on Match.com.  As a single man, sooner or later it'll be time to move forward.  Never done it online though!  It was hard.  Hard to put myself out there and expose myself.  Insecurities about everything flare up.  The horror of having no one respond to my profile!  The horror of no one liking me!  What am I 14 years old?

It was also difficult because I think I know that I'm not quite ready yet.  Ready for getting to know people and have fun, but not quite ready for a relationship.  Having Paula on my mind as much as I do tells me that.  It probably wouldn't be quite fair to anyone who is potentially interested.  As long as I'm honest with myself and whomever I might meet, however, I think it's ok.

And what the hell, I could meet someone great, right?

My insecurities have already been assuaged...two women have "winked" at me, which I guess means that they are interested in some way.  Cool!  We'll see where this goes.  It's all about new things, right?  Bye for now...

Giving up a favorite

Wednesday, February 6.  Hey there.  Today has been a very wintry day here in Michigan.   It seemed to drizzle all last night, and this morning it changed into freezing rain.  By 11 am or so it turned into sleet, and by 4pm it was snowing.  Big, huge flakes!

Today is Ash Wednesday.  While I am not Catholic, my idea today for thing I haven't done before is to give something up for Lent.  I debated about whether or not this would be offensive given that I don't practice Catholicism and may not know the true meaning of Lent and sacrifice.  But upon second thought, I know I mean no harm and don't mean to offend.  So on I go with my first ever respectful observance of Lent!

I think it is a nice thing to understand what giving up something means.  I am often, especially when sad or depressed, very self-centered and self-absorbed, so giving something up just for a short time takes some of the focus off of my needs.

So then the question became the object of my observance.  Many things crossed my mind...bread, desserts, the internet (impossible to keep the blog!), television, cell phone.  I have settled on giving up diet pepsi.  I probably have at least one everyday, and I know that when I want one I really crave one.  It'll be challenging to give up my diets for six weeks.  It's just perfect with pizza or a burger!

So there it is, no more diet pepsi for the next six weeks!  We'll see how it goes and we'll do a periodic update on days without a diet!  Stay warm and dry if you are in Michigan, and we will talk tomorrow!

Smile therapy

Tuesday, February 5.  It's Super Tuesday.  I do have to say that I am more interested in politics than ever before.  I think this Presidential election is the most interesting that I've seen.  Compelling candidates, on both sides.

Today was a low energy day.  Woke up late.  Actually I got up quite early, but went back to sleep because I just didn't feel like turning on my brain and knowing that all the thoughts that take a break at night would come back and flood my head.  Taught a little and had dinner at Outback.  Alone at the bar.  It was good, but to be honest I had to go to the bathroom the whole time (yes, #2) so I didn't enjoy it as much as I could have.  I ate alone again.  I'm getting used to that, I guess.

Once home for the night (it's raining and getting colder, so I decided to stay in tonight), I watched American Idol and House, and realized that I hadn't done anything new today.  After wondering exactly what I was going to do, I decided that I was going to smile for 1 hour.  Straight.  No matter how I felt.

Interesting because I thought it was going to tire me out, but it didn't.  My face didn't cramp and I didn't get physically tired from it.  I did have to focus quite a bit mentally because it seems that normal for me is NOT smiling.  After the hour, I felt quite good and thought that I would try to extend it tomorrow and smile as much as possible, especially when in contact with others.

This experiment, like many things, reminded me of Paula, who always smiled her beautiful smile.  I miss seeing it!  It also made me realize that it in fact takes more energy to frown or not to smile.  I likely use much more energy staying in the non-smiley state.  That also explains why it is so exhausting to be depressed and sad.  The lack of energy I feel often now feeds itself because it takes so much energy to feel sad.  Hmm.

Even though this blog has not taken the crazy and fun direction it surely will yet, I am learning things as I go and think that it's giving me insight in different ways like I hoped it would!  See you tomorrow!

A hug and the dark ball, solo

Monday, February 4.  Today was a fun day.  Started out with Motor Meals at 11:30 this morning.  Motor Meals is a non-profit organization that I've been helping out with since December.  We deliver meals to the elderly, sick, and otherwise incapacitated around Ann Arbor.  It's probably the fourth or fifth time I've filled in.

It's pretty sobering to see some of the folks.  Some just have a tough time getting around, some are truly ill, tied to their apartments by oxygen or obesity.  I get the feeling with some of them that I might be the only person they see or talk to all day.  Some give off the vibe of being a little bit forgotten, so it's a good feeling to do something nice for them.

I usually ask each person on the route if there is anything else I can do for them while I'm there, and usually the response is no.  But today, I actually got a request from Margaret, who I had never met.  When I asked her if she needed anything else, she said with a sad face and tears welling up in her eyes, "Can you give me a hug?"  It broke my heart and of course I agreed and hugged her.  Sometimes that's all you need!

My other never before done experience was to go bowling by myself.  Bored of late night tv by myself, I decided I was going to do something (besides go to Banfield's).  Ryan, who by the way lives in my basement (you may have been wondering why I hang out with him so much), didn't feel like going, so off I went to Belmark Lanes.

Now there was a risk of some nostalgia, as one of Paula and I's winter activities was to go to Belmark on dollar bowling nights.  Scott would usually come (he can't because he's in California now), and sometimes Elliot.  But it ended up being fun, and I found that without partners, I just focused on bowling and how to get better.  Not bad for my first time out.  I bowled 5 games (which I'm sure to feel tomorrow!) and bowled a worst of 149 and a best of 171.  At least my average is getting better!

So there you go, two things today I'd never done.  Maybe more importantly, it was a good day.  Maybe the two are related, as I suspected.  Until tomorrow friends!

It's Carnivale in Sao Paolo

Sunday, February 3rd.  I went to Banfield's Westside again today.  That's twice in three days I've gone to a bar.  On weekends much less!  What is happening to me?  Anyway, tonight I went to watch the Superbowl.  Went with Ryan two of his friends, Steve and Everton.  Nice guys and I had a good time.  The game was quite good.  Did anyone think the Giants would win?  Did anyone think that the game would be so low scoring?  Not me.

I'm feeling a little more settled than yesterday.  I guess I'm just more ok with being where I am today.

The bar had a raffle for charity tonight, and I was sure that my new experience for the day would be winning something.  There were some nice things they gave away...tickets to a Red Wings game, an Adirondack chair, some grills.  But I wasn't going to get off that easily and my name wasn't called.  Just as well because that kind of thing embarrasses me.  Not sure why, but having my name called in front of a whole bar full of folks makes me nervous.  So with time running out, today's never before experienced experience was learning some Portuguese.

You see, Everton is from Brazil, and was happy to teach me some things.  Resisting the urge to have him teach me dirty words and phrases (all men are boys at heart, right?).  So what I learned was "amo vida," "o Ryan e un gato," and "cento e oitenta coisas em centa e oitenta dias."  That is, "I love life," "Ryan is a hottie," and "One hundred eighty things in one hundred eighty days."

So stay tuned to cento e oitenta coisas em centa e oitenta dias.blogspot.com for more accounts of my daily attempts at having some fun!  Later.

Finding myself at Qdoba again

Saturday, February2.  Hello all!  It's me again.  How's everyone today?  Good, I hope.  Today was a pretty normal day for me.  Taught golf from 9am to 2pm, went home and just relaxed for a while.  Dinner pangs started to hit me at about 6:30 in the evening, after watching the third installment of the latest, but what turns out to be the older (confusing!), Star Wars movie on HBO.  I enjoyed it.  Also figured out some of the pieces to the puzzle that is the Star Wars story.  Now I see how Darth Vader is actually Luke Skywalker's father!  A ha!

Anyway, my lunch of Paul Newman graham crackers and Cape Cod potato chips didn't hold me over for long, and I decided to venture out to Qdoba for some food.  After my Cancun experience last month, during which my friend Alberto took me to have some authentic Mexican food, the pseudo-Mexican restaurants we find here haven't really seemed appealing.  But it's next door to Blockbuster and I figured I could get a movie to keep me company tonight.

Once I decided on a steak taco salad, today's idea came to me.  I asked the cashier to add the guy behind me's chicken burrito to my bill.  Random.  And don't tell him.  Just let me pay for it.  Seemed like a nice random act of kindness, and of course one I hadn't done before.  I probably can't make a habit of it or I'll go broke in a month and a half!  Felt good nonetheless.

The first night Paula asked me out three years ago, I had just dug into a burrito from Qdoba (sorry, tonight I'm feeling a little nostalgic and a bit sad--that's just the way it is).  She called to see if I wanted to go for a walk with her downtown.  Our first date really.  A warm summer Ann Arbor night.  It was fun and the start of quite an adventure for us.

As I walked out of the store into the dark parking lot, a bit of self-pity crept in.  Three years later, again I find myself eating Qdoba carryout, alone.

So tonight, I've kept to my task, but can't help feeling that I'm not really where I want to be and perhaps right back to where I started, whether it be the food I'm eating or the loneliness I feel.

My first two comments

Hey all.  It's kind of weird saying hi because in the back of my mind I feel like the "hi" echoes into a deserted auditorium.  Maybe I'm just saying hi to myself.  Hmm.  Anyway, I received my first two comments today.  One was from Lauren posted to the site.  Thanks for the kind words and encouragement sweetheart!  The other was from my sister Julie, who couldn't comment on the blog but did comment on my choice of thing I had never done today.

While picking up some half and half and some graham cracker cookies at Hillers, I decided it would be a novel idea if I applied for a job there.  After all, I have never worked at a grocery store much less applied for a job at one.  The idea of working at Hillers pricing groceries (you know, with that gun thing) or slicing deli meat seems like a no brainer for the blog and would undoubtedly produce great material for documentation.

Julie, however, thought the idea was "lame" and shouldn't count.  But I applied anyway and even though they said that they were accepting applications but not hiring, it does technically count as a thing I've never done before.

Later in the evening, to satisfy my sister, I went out with Ryan to Banfield's for dinner and did do something else I'd never done...play Golden Tee.  The video game.  Apparently I'm better at real golf than video golf (which is not saying much).  But it was a good time and although Ryan beat me, I did meet a dude, Jerrod, who trades currencies and we had an interesting discussion.  I will try to stay in touch and learn some stuff from him and perhaps I can add currency trading to my overall trading.

Off to bed now, I've gotta teach 5 hours tomorrow.  It still amazes me after 10 years of teaching that we can teach in the middle of the winter with 6 inches of snow on the ground.  I am lucky.  And grateful.  Until tomorrow friends!