Starting conversations with strangers

Friday, February 29.  Hey all, happy leap year day.  Or whatever.  Today was truly great.  I'm starting to feel quite good now, and it's been a very long personal journey to get there.  But I'm not complaining at all.  Today was mostly filled with the stuff we do everyday.  I worked out.  I ran some errands, like going to the grocery store and the bank.  Also had a great session with crazy wonderful Dr. Bob.  He has really helped me look at things from a perspective that has made all the difference in the world.

Today I also delivered meals again.  It was snowy and messy out this morning, but not that cold.  Luckily my route was in a retirement home so I didn't have to drive to each and every person like with some routes.  I thought today would be a good day to try to start conversations with people I didn't really know.  So with each meal I delivered, I would ask if there was anything else I could do for them, and if they responded or seemed like they needed company, I would stay for a few minutes and talk.

Only two of my twelve people seemed interested.  The first was a Russian woman and her adult daughter.  She was cooking something when I arrived (funny, that must mean the food I bring must suck!).  It smelled great, so I asked her what she was making and she tried to explain to me what it was and how she made it.  I didn't totally get it but I know it starts with boiling or heating milk and using a cheesecloth to take the top part (or bottom, I don't really know), combining that with some kind of cheese and then pan frying them it little patties.  She didn't offer me any but I guess they weren't finished yet.  Looked and smelled great though.   We talked a little about Moscow and St. Petersburg because I had visited with mom and dad a year and a half ago.  With that, I left.

I didn't get anyone else to engage me until my second to last person, a man named Tom.  What a great name!  I saw he had a keyboard and asked if he played.  He said yes and he also really was a composer.  Cool.  I have been thinking about buying a small electronic keyboard anyway so he gave me the history of electronic keyboards (pretty interesting, actually and Stevie Wonder was involved), suggested what I might buy to start out, and also played me one of his compositions.  It was beautiful.  Composers of classical music blow me away.  To be able to put together all these random sounds together so seamlessly.  Cool.  I also suggested that he buy or download some Coldplay, as they use quite a bit of piano in their music and it's what I think makes their sound so unique and haunting and awesome.  I also ended up taking his garbage out for him because he is tethered to an oxygen tank unfortunately.  Said goodbye and look forward to talking to him again.

Pretty interesting what you find when you bother to ask.  You never get what you expect!

See you all tomorrow.  Peace and happiness for you all.  Thanks for reading!

Listenting and thanking

Thursday, February 28.  Hi all.  Busy day, almost didn't have enough time to do something new!  That's a good thing though.  Doing well, just continuing in the direction I've been heading in, and I think it's the right one.

Taught a lot for a Thursday in February but managed to do some productive work in the morning and even managed some yoga!  10 sun salutations are better than nothing.  Really energizes me.  I hope that I can work back to my two hour full ashtanga workout someday, but I guess not yet.  It will find me when it finds me.

Today's new thing is very personal, and instead of getting into too many details, let's just say that I listened, really listened, to someone dear to me today.  Without interruption, I listened.  I also thanked that person for allowing me to be an audience for what had to be said.  As unbelievable as it may sound, I don't think I've ever done that, at least for any extended period of time.  No judgment.  No resistance.  Just listening and thanking.

I'm off for now everyone.  I hope you all have a good night (or day for some of you), and maybe you could find a minute to say a prayer or give a good thought for two of my friends that are having their own challenges right now.  I will be as I go to bed, so if you could spare a moment in your own way, I would appreciate it!

Hasta manana, amigos.

Plum Market but no plums

Wednesday, February 27.  Hi all.  Not much exciting or sexy today.  Therapy in the morning, in which I learned that I seem to be doing quite well.  Just kidding, I know I'm doing much better all on my own.  Worked out and went tanning again.  I know it isn't great for my skin, but the warmth and energy feels great!

Still working on the hat company idea.  Trying to work out a business plan and brand strategy.  It's coming and will be awesome.  Very exciting.  Also trying to work on the real estate.  Patience is the word there, but something will emerge as long as I keep looking.  Just one good deal will get things started.

My new thing today was going to the new Plum Market that recently opened.  Fantastic!  A less snobby Whole Foods with the comfort of the Busch's shopping experience and the selection of Papa Joe's (in Birmingham, my favorite market of all time).  I picked up some basic things, and a dozen roses for myself.  I like having flowers around.  It's a good vibe.  Interestingly, I ran into Emily and her four little ones in the parking lot.  Emily is Paula's niece.  We've spent some time together and some holiday dinners at the same table.  I know she felt awkward at first but I was pleasant enough and it was really nice to see all of them.  What beautiful kids.  Too bad they never had a chance to get together with Kirin and Coco.  Would've been fun!  Anyway, hadn't seen her since all went down and it was nice.

Will report in again tomorrow, as usual.  Going to try to get to bed earlier tonight.  Sleep well, all.  Love to you all.

My buddy is a snow angel

Tuesday, February 26.  As some of you know, I have been watching my dog, Shadow, while my ex-wife has been in Thailand.  He's been with me for probably two and a half months now.  Today, I returned him to Patty.  It's my first night without him.  I have become used to looking for him.  And as frustrated as I became some nights when he would wake me at 3 in the morning because he had to go out, I'm gonna miss him.  A lot.

Many of you all received calls and texts from me at some pretty low points during the last month or so, and as much as life allowed you grabbed my hand and pulled me back up.  All of your styles were slightly different.  Some of you personified tough love and others just let me cry if I needed to cry.  And yet others were somewhere in between.  I've often thanked you all for the support, and I'll thank you again here tonight.

But as I dropped Shadow off today, I realized that he was here for every single tear, every single dark and lonely night, every hopeless (so I thought at times) moment.  And all he did was be with me.  And listen (dogs are very good listeners!).  And be my friend.  And love me.  Every moment.  And that, I think, is love.

So today's new thing was to make a snow angel in my yard.  For Shadow, my love, my friend, my buddy, who never had anything more important to do than be with me when I needed it.  Shadow (and all the animals I've come to share my life with at one time or another), I love you.  Thank you.

Good night all, I wish you peace and happiness.  Until tomorrow.  I'm excited!

Ready for battle and poetry

Monday, February 25.  Hi all.  Again, I feel like I'm talking to myself although I know there are readers out there.  Today was a great day!  More and more like it as time goes on.  This too shall pass.  Did some real estate and school follow up today.  I'm also seriously looking to take a drawing class.  Made two more drawings.  The drawings don't elicit the same emotions as writing does, but it is still helpful and a good challenge.

I think that the less severe reactions to writing and drawing are because acceptance is settling in and resistance is easing.  That is good, no?

Today I did two new things.  First, I submitted one of my poems to a poetry contest.  The winner gets $1000!  Probably a whole bunch of junk email too!  Anyway, I really liked one of the poems I wrote so said what the hell and submitted it.  We'll see.

The second thing I did was wear camouflage underwear.  Not sure why I bought them in the first place but I thought wearing them would put me in a fiery mood.  And it did.  I felt a lot of energy today, a lot of positive thoughts about the future and what I plan to do.  Things are better, in fact they're great, and will get better!  I am going to do big things.  I know it and I feel it.  No pics today, after all it would be weird if I took a picture of myself in my underwear!

Thanks and I'll see you all tomorrow!

Trying something really uncomfortable

Sunday, February 24.  Today was another good day.  I had a lot of energy at work and connected with people well.  Met a couple of new students and that's always nice.  Also did a strength/flexibility test for golf that showed my strengths and weaknesses.  I now have a program to improve on those areas that could make my golf better.  Again walked the dog and went for a run.  There is a dullness sometimes to a daily routine but also a peace to it.  I am more present with all of the things I'm doing, new and old.

Today's new thing really started last night and continued today.  I made some charcoal drawings.  Not just any.  At the suggestion of therapist Bob, I drew pictures of images and scenes that are currently creating the most anxiety and negativity in me.  The idea is that as I draw, and continue to draw similar images, the ideas lose their negative charge, thereby allowing me to accept.  To often, we shy away from those things in our head that scare us or make us upset.  As with the poetry, I am diving headfirst into it.

By far, drawing has been my biggest challenge.  Not only is the content very personal and panic producing, the process has taught me a little about myself.  Not only was I afraid to draw what was on my mind, I was afraid that I wouldn't be "good" at it.  So I discovered how judgmental I am of myself, which of course means I'm judgmental of others.

A very revealing process.  And it ended up being kind of fun.  I may take a drawing class.  Because although I don't care how good I am, I'd like to learn anyway!

So there are three drawings.  Without getting into too much detail, one shows the fear of being forgotten, one shows the emptiness of not being chosen or being good enough, and the last shows the sadness of being abandoned.

Enough said.  I'll see you guys tomorrow.  Love.

Drawing the sun's energy

Saturday, February 23.  Today was good.  Taught more lessons.  It's getting busier.  Saw some old students and caught up a little.  Took a nap and had a frightful but maybe telling dream.  Went to run at the gym.  I ran for a full half and hour today, and at a greater speed.  I'll get to where I need to be by March 30 in Chicago.  A good busy day.  Only moments of unease.

My new thing for the day was to go tanning.  I know it's not great for my skin but I think I have seasonal depression.  Living in Michigan, winters are long, cold, and grey, and that doesn't help my mood so I thought some tanning might improve my mood.  It was interesting.  Only 5 minutes, but it was warm and bright and felt good.  I think I will continue.  And I like the way I look when I'm a little tan.  A little healthier looking and feeling.

So far, I've managed to keep to my task.  Something new everyday.  Tonight and tomorrow I take on a bigger task, charcoal drawing.  Several things come into play with this task.  One, getting over the insecurity of knowing that I'm not a "good" artist.  Judgment.  Who cares, right?  So if I can get over trying to be "good," I might reap other benefits with other things.  No fears, baby!

The second thing is my subject matter.  Bob wants me to draw pictures of images and ideas that create the most anxiety and fear in me.  I am apprehensive.  But I can see the bigger picture, and if I can draw the images, and continue to draw them, I figure they'll lose their negative emotional charge, and it will help me move forward with my mind.

This one is going to take some courage in many regards.  I am up to it though!  I will post (maybe) my drawings in tomorrow's entry.  Here goes nothing!

Thanks and I love you all and your support, once again.

A piggy and charity

Saturday, February 23.  Sorry about the exhaustion yesterday.  Maybe that's a good thing.  Anyway, I can't remember all the details about yesterday, other than I had a good meeting with Mike and David, real estate guys, and a great session with Bob about my current struggles.  I learned a lot in my lunch meeting, and may have a real opportunity coming up.  Due diligence needed, but I am cautiously optimistic.

My session with Bob was effective.  I read him my poem too, and cried again.  He encouraged me to continue writing.  He said something interesting.  He said that perhaps the weeping that happens when I read what I write is my spirit, my true being, giving gratitude for being honest to what's in my heart.  A very different perspective I've never thought about.  He went on to suggest that I draw pictures of those things that frighten me, that create anxiety.  Again, facing exactly what scares me.  So later I went to Meijer's to buy some newsprint and charcoal.  We'll see what I do with that.  It excited me and scares me.

My new thing today is to make use of my new red piggy bank.  All loose change and money I can spare will go into the piggy, and at the end of the year I will donate the money to charity.  I know it won't be much, but the idea made me feel good.  I already have a start, and if any of you want to send me checks for the same reason, please do.  It is tax deductible, you know.   And good for the heart!

I'm going to end today and immediately start today's entry, so so long for now.  Later alligators!

A break for today

Friday, February 22.  Today was actually a great day, but I am very tired and am going to bed.  Tomorrow I will make up for it and recount what happened today and tomorrow as well.  All good news and a couple of new things too!  Great things are happening!

Love to all, goodnight for now.

Making the call

Thursday, February 21.  I decided to see if the phone number I got from our waitress was real or not today.  There was a moment of trepidation as I dialed the number as I was of course afraid that it was not hers.  And it wasn't.  I'm not crushed because I figured it might be.  But of course was hopeful that it was real.  Anyway, I thank Jen for playing along because I think the victory was in asking and not in getting anywhere with it necessarily.  I am hardly ready to date.  It would have been nice to have someone new to hang out with though.

So I've called a random woman, which is definitely something I've not done before, and I've managed to see the benefit of it.  The value in the process, not the result.  I'm proud of myself.

Otherwise the day was actually quite good.  I taught four lessons, and Mike has set up a lunch meeting with a local real estate guy for tomorrow.  The networking and education begin.  I have also started the process of applying for MBA programs.  In addition to the real estate class I'll start in March, I'm doing all the things I'm supposed to be doing to enrich and improve myself.  And of course, it's all supposed to help me heal my hurt.

The rest of my evening was spent relaxing and hanging out watching tv.  This morning I met Aubrey and gave her her birthday gift (and her brothers').  It was great to see her and I hope to continue to nurture that relationship.  I love her dearly.  And it is something that I don't believe is me hanging on in anyway.  I'm proud of that too!

Lastly, I am really going to take my hat company idea as far as I can.  I will work on a market niche (golf first then other applications), develop some styles and looks, find a manufacturer, work on branding and marketing, then make it the flyest hat company in the world!  Fedoras, caps, baseball hats, floppy hats and more!  I will make it!

Great things for me and all of us guys.  I'm fighting and fighting and you will see great things in me.  You will be proud!

So in addition to another fedora, black and tighter, there's a picture of M&Ms.  I like M&Ms.  Peanut of course.  KitKats too.