Bearing my soul to another (and also to myself)

Wednesday, February 20.  It feels like winter again in Michigan.  Makes sense since it is winter, and I am in Michigan.  Today felt relatively busy.  Woke up and did some busy work on the computer, then rushed off to a session with Judy.  Afterwards, I went to Twelve Oaks Mall to buy Aubrey a birthday present (and managed to buy myself some neckties too!), then came home and hung out with Ryan and watched some tv.  Driving without the radio or being on the phone can be an interesting experience.  Try it sometime.

Today's new thing was reading a poem for someone.  The poetry is itself something new to me.  Seemed too silly or girly.  Reading it aloud to an audience is another experience altogether.  It takes bravery.  I told Judy of the poem and said that I'd like to read it to her.  Of course she was interested and off I went.  I won't get into the details of the piece because it's really not necessary and very personal.  But read it I did.

Please to try to write.  Whether it's a poem or just a journal or anything.  The effect is incredibly cathartic.  My first attempts at poems and journaling were just romantic, broken-hearted drivel.  This one, however, had a depth that I had never achieved before.

Anyway, I started to cry just two words into it.  I had to gather myself many times throughout the reading as the tears just kept coming.  It was like the words uttered were purging the hurt.  Some of it at least.  I was definitely feeling what I was feeling.  And what I liked most about hearing myself read was that it felt like me being as honest and as gentle with myself that I have ever been.

I understand just a little better where I am.  The poem described me as I am, right now.  And it made me feel like all's ok, for now.  And yes, I still hurt, I am still confused, I am still floored by it all.  And although all who love me tell me it's time to not be those things (mostly because they don't want to see me hurt so much), today I told myself that all those things are ok because they are.  There is also hope and greatness ahead for me too!

Today, at least for about 3 minutes, I was totally where I was and totally accepting of where I was.  If being in the present, which is the goal, is anything else, I must not understand it then.  So in addition to reading a poem for someone, maybe I was truly present for the first time too!

Love you all.  Hour by hour, day by day.  I will be fine.  I am fine.  Great things are going to happen to me.  They already are.